Okay, so clearly I built my expectations up too much – the Christmas market was really quite disappointing, mainly due to the fact that it consisted of stalls that all sold exactly the same things. I suppose it could be seen as a very innovative queue-cutting technique: if the queue is too big at one stall, fear not, as the same item can be found at the next stall just inches to your left/right.
But now, onto my main point – driving. European drivers are stereotypically awful: they supposedly have no respect for pedestrians, drive too fast and adhere to road signs on worryingly few occasions. This stereotype exists because it is true. I have never seen such appalling driving in my life: red lights seem to be taken more as friendly advice than a rule – kind of like when someone suggests to you that maybe you shouldn’t illegally download that movie; or that you should maybe buy a parking ticket even if you are just stopping for 15 minutes...only this time the advice is slightly more pressing. As in, you should probably stop at this red light so that you don’t run over a human being.
It is not only traffic lights that suffer being ignored, but also road signs, for example zebra crossings. This side of the ocean, crossing the road is no longer just about getting to the other side – it is also about remaining in existence (I exaggerate not). Whether this is Spain’s attitude towards natural selection, or simply a lack of concern for their fellow human beings, I shall never know. Either way, people strolling about in Spanish cities by foot have to be super careful. Forget singing hedgehogs – the pedestrians here need far more than a light-hearted reminder of the green cross code. Maybe even an advert simply telling them not to cross any roads. Ever.
Even looking both ways – one of the lines from the British hedgehog road-safety campaign – won’t cut it. In Spain, very often both lanes of traffic appear to have stopped, but then suddenly one lane of traffic rev up their engines and away they go. This exemplifies the strange Spanish concept of stopping the traffic on one side of the road while the other side goes; something that I have yet to understand the logic of, but also something that I have picked up on very quickly, mainly due to several close shaves!
“When it’s clear, nothing’s to fear.” Another line from the beloved hedgehogs – and yet another lie. Applied to Spain, the song should go as follows: “When it’s clear, presume that a vehicle will come zooming up the road out of nowhere and expect you to run very fast; if you don’t, they will slow down but only at the very last second and while honking their horn either incessantly or in one long and very loud beep, almost giving you a heart attack and morbidly embarrassing you by drawing the attention of the whole street.”
Ultimately, what I’m saying is: when in Spain, don’t trust the hedgehogs! Following their own advice, they would definitely end up as road kill. There is one good thing about the roads in Spain, however, and that is that when the green man pops up letting you know that it is ‘safe’ to cross, a countdown begins, showing you how long you have left before the lights go green and the carnage on the road starts all over again. (He also looks like he’s absolutely pegging it, which is quite fitting given what I’ve just been discussing.)
At the complete opposite end of the scale to driving, we have walking. The Spanish walk, or amble perhaps, is at the average speed of backwards. I would love to deposit a load of Londoners in the streets of Alcala and see what would happen. In my head they would get so angry – inwardly of course, as British people are far too polite to voice their rage – that one by one, they would implode. Or simply go mad. And understandably – who has the time these days to wander around like there’s nothing to do but smoke and eat tapas? Oh, wait. Still, drifting around like the un-dead should really be limited to when one is hung-over.
I do have to say that, despite all this moaning, there are a couple of gems with regards to Spanish transport, the first one being double-decker trains, which are awesome, no further explanation required. The only disagreeable thing about the trains is the noise the closing doors make, which sounds like, although about twenty times louder than, the loudest alarm clock in the world. It makes travelling with a hangover headache a nightmare; and if you fancy a kip on the way into the city, forget it. On the other, more positive hand, you won’t find many people stuck in the doors: the sudden blast of noise is enough to make even the most idiotic person dive out of their way in an acute attack of fear.
The second transport treasure Madrid has to offer is the metro system. At risk of sounding like an advert, the system is quick, easy to use, and just €1 to travel as far as you want or need to across the whole city. Although, some well-meaning advice: if you don’t have far to travel, walk. After taking roughly five escalators to get down into the underground system, feeling like you’ve reached the core of the earth, or more suitably based on the furnace-like feel the depths of hell, taking the metro and then another five escalators to return to earth’s surface, it is difficult to justify this means of transport for just one or two stops.
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